Savour making love

Dr Gabrielle Morrisey tells us that the act of making love is just as important as the final destination.

 

A lot of people assume sex is essentially about the pursuit of the "big O", but if a person or couple focus on a goal-oriented approach to sex - one in which achieving orgasm is the sole goal - then much pleasure can be missed. When people have trouble reaching orgasm, they can feel as though their sex life is over and that they have failed. But in fact, there is a lot of sex that, deliberate or not, does not feature orgasm. It's more common than many realise because publicly we buy into the myth that all sex is orgasmic, or should always be. The inability to reach orgasm is common for women, especially with a partner. Less than 30 per cent of women reliably orgasm during intercourse, and many find it difficult to orgasm through oral sex and other forms of sexual play. As a result, nearly 45 per cent of women admit to faking orgasm while making love.

This only starts a vicious cycle of lack of pleasure, and, therefore, even less chance of attaining orgasms, because by faking the message is sent to their partner that what they are doing is working. This sets up a difficult situation to get out of. And, since most partners value bringing their lover to orgasm, he's likely to be very hurt if he is deceived about what was really being felt during what he thought was a fantastic, or at least adequate, experience.

So rather than fake it, you could talk about having sex in which you stop pressuring one another to achieve orgasm. Or you could look at what may be the cause of not reaching orgasm. Some women, and men, have global anorgasmia (they have never had an orgasm), and others have situational anorgasmia, meaning they can't reach orgasm in particular situations or with a particular partner.

If you've never experienced an orgasm, one reason might be that no partners have stimulated you in the way you need in order to reach climax. Some women who have never had an orgasm with a partner have actually never experimented on themselves. If you don't know how your body works, it's hard to communicate those pleasure directions to your partner.

Another reason might be that the stimulation is there, but you are unable to relax. Often fear is a factor in preventing a woman from letting go into orgasm. She might be self-conscious about her body, she might hold negative sexual messages about pleasure, and/or she might be afraid to be vulnerable with her partner. If any of these apply to you, it's important to identify the problem and discuss it openly with your partner. The more your partner can understand what issue it is that is preventing you from climaxing, the better you are both able to explore your pleasure potential together.

Contextualise your sexual pleasure within the framework of enhancing your relationship and intimacy. Remember, it's about the journey first, rather than the goal.If, however, the issue has more to do with lack of the right kind of physical stimulation, again, open communication about what feels good to you is really important, even if it feels awkward. Don't set orgasm as a goal each time you are sexually intimate. If you have a script running through the back of your mind, willing yourself to relax and climax, your brain creates a circuit around pleasure, rather than allowing you to simply indulge in it. You've got to "turn off" up there, in order to "turn on" down there!

Take time to stimulate each other's minds and bodies. Your largest sexual organ is your skin, and it's often important for a woman to feel completely aroused, mentally and physically, in order to achieve the release of climax. Mind-blowing lovemaking takes investment, attention and action. It's not a passive process. You actively connect with your partner in mind and body to experience sexual tension and release. If you and your partner want to experience orgasms when you are sexually intimate, rather than making it a goal, make it a discovery process that you both invest in. With application and connection, and with both of you being aware of your desires, needs and various stimulations, it will come.